Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
