I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
