My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
