Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
