My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
