Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i am craving dick and cupcakes
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
