ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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