Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
