it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
