***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I booty called her while she was in labor.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
