So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
