Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
