i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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