I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
