before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So many bounce houses so little time
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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