the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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