I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
