Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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