took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I believe in your delicious
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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