i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
