The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
