I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
