I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
