if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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