My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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