If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
