So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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