boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
