he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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