I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
