Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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