Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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