When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize