you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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