Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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