Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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