So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
