I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
