Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
