these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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