She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
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We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
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I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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