just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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