I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
