Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
