Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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