you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
