Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
