I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
