Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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