Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
