so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
