Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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