I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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