Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
