Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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