True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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