do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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