Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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