I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
