seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize